What happened.

image

photographer unknown

It had me at the throat.

It was anger I think. Anger that had me pulling at my shell, picking at the falsehood. Once I started peeling back at the pieces, I realized that I didn’t like them and one by one they repulsed me. I didn’t have to look far for the culprit, her eyes pierced mine and followed me in the mirror.

More anger, more tears and more denial. It didn’t make sense, here was a person that everyone loved and got along with but I hated her. I hated how she felt against my soul and how she didn’t quite fit. I hated how she held my words and how she suffocated my screams and dreams alike. My pleas, screams and even the quiet whispers that I released when I thought that someone – anyone – was listening were held hostage so wickedly by her.

Piece by piece, each concealed lie fell out, each more deviously conceived. In the end I wasn’t sure what killed me more, whether it was the mountain of pieces that lay next to me or the stranger that stared back at me in the mirror. I couldn’t handle it; more anger, more tears and more denial.

A pungent smell sat in the air. It invaded my nostrils and had my stomach reeling but what horrified me –  chilled me to the bone – was that it came from a corpse. I had killed me. There I was on the ground with glossy eyes, staring into the vast space of nothingness. Before I knew it, I was crashing and hurdling towards the earth and nothing could stop me or the sobs that ripped through my body.

I had killed myself and now I had to live.

Me VS all that I am not.

It isn’t easy to grow under the weight of all you’re supposed to be.

However I killed myself and I had to live,
Regardless of the fact that I was terrified.

candid
Adjective:
        truthful and straightforward; frank.

quasar

Astronomy

noun: quasar; plural noun: quasars

a massive and extremely remote celestial object, emitting exceptionally large amounts of energy, which typically has a starlike image in a telescope. It has been suggested that quasars contain massive black holes and may represent a stage in the evolution of some galaxies.

Welcome to Candid Quasar.
Light from Lita

Notice

I hope everyone is doing well in the final leg of this awful year( Anyone else feel like they didn’t see it coming?).

I’ll be making a site name change and content update soon. I do feel like I’ve grown and evolved since I’ve started this blog and I wish for it to reflect that. My purpose has shifted and it’s only fitting for this site to represent that.

With that being said I’m looking forward to the future and all that it holds. I do hope to continue to move forward and forge new realtionships with fellow bloggers and readers( and strengthen the ones I have already ).

A new installment I’m working on is going to be centered around guest posts so I would love to get anyone interested involved. You can use my site as a platform for your thoughts and cause,  sharing is caring after all.

If you would like to be involved or talk about something in particular please email me at:

sendlitaer@gmail.com

and we can discuss further details there.

Thank you so much for the continued support and watch the space for the site update.

Light from Lita
See you soon.

Bereaved

Bereaved

They say it gets better with time
That the gaping hole that you left behind
will some how find itself filled with time.
When your coffin occupied the ground
and your soul left my heart,
I began looking around
then started falling apart
and all the words heard and said
all went past my head.

I wish you could be here now;
it’s not getting better at all
I still see your favorite coffee
and your running shoes in the corner,
Screw them and their stages of grief,
Everything is still falling apart,
you’re gone and it hurts

for my father

Light from Lita
See you soon

Are we living?

Are we living?

Realities 2

It must feel like wanting to implode,
to shatter in your own existence
but being held together by a force;
One you cannot rebel against.
So you exist in upside down frowns,
Hoping for sanity to find you.

I must have been around 9 or so when my friend told me how ‘unhappy’ he was. However our unhappy’s differed, mine being the lesser. I didn’t know it then but my friend, let’s call him J, was depressed.  Depressed like a nine year old wanting to throw themselves off of a swing set, hoping for it all to end. See J had a problem, one his parents shamed and denied because they didn’t want to have that ‘kid’. See J isn’t alone, there are millions even billions of people who are ‘unhappy’, clutching on to the sliver of existence they can maintain. 

Sometimes they kill themselves and other times they fail – that’s the reality.  Then shame follows from all angles, failing to address the real issue. How many coffins go down into the ground carrying the bodies of tortured souls? How many of those coffins do we malign once they are out of our sight? It becomes more about the suicide than the person who managed to live in a world that suffocated them. The death was bad yes, so was the living – you can’t acknowledge the one without the other, wouldn’t that be “cowardly”?

I’m not saying much more than this:

What if we can be more open to creating an environment where these issues aren’t looked at as a sign of a “defective” or “lesser” being then perhaps more people could take the step to say ,” Hey, I need help too.”.

I say this because I can’t help but think that I wouldn’t have to look a six year old in the eye and tell them that their mother is no longer alive (whether it be from empting a barrel into their mind or drowning their demons with pills.) and hope to have them understand that it wasn’t their fault that she’s not coming back.

It’s not their fault because society failed her. We the society, failed her.

If you know of someone who is need of help (including you), please take a visit here.

May your souls learn to breathe.
Let the fallen fly above and watch over us.

Your existence has purpose.

Light from Lita
See you soon.

This is you, perhaps in another time.

This is you, perhaps in another time.

“You must understand.” he started, staring at the figure standing a few feet in front of him – dangerously on the edge of the curb.

Her fingers glided through the air to shield 
the glare from the sun. With the beating heat, her warm breath carried into his space.

“I don’t.” She craned her neck to the side, glancing at the cars that blurred
past them.

He took a step back, in the guise to lure her 
back to safety.

She didn’t bite.

“I thought that I meant something to you. 
That we were something.
Now you stand there like a broken record,
saying that I must ‘understand’ that ‘We are nothing’.
Now you must understand something… 
I don’t.”

He sighed.

Suddenly there, where he stood, flew an old 
African fly. It lazily buzzed its
way past him; peaceful and unaware.

“Far from home” he thought.

She was far from home and thought she 
could take up residence in his heart. Yet he 
feared what she may do. Whether she be any good – none of his previous  tenants were.

She drew a final breath and watched her reflection twinkle in his eyes as let  herself fall backwards.

A car, that she long forgot the name for, 
came barrelling towards her.
It cried out that she should redeem herself,
yet she welcomed the impending doom.
It’s wail became louder with each of their heartbeats combined.

It filled her.
It overtook him.

“I understand” the soft utterance  encompassed her, as he embraced her.

Lighter light from Lita
Keep your soul intact
See you soon.

Filtered Away

Filtered Away

hollow shell
that beats no more
take it away
the burning pain
i fear the feeling
of falling
alone.

Light from Lita

See you soon.

Wavering Wednesdays.

Wavering Wednesdays is about introducing different sorts of writing forms.

Today : Excerpt from a book I never wrote.

                                  ^   Lone Wanderer  ^

His teeth had started to clatter. He couldn’t be sure whether it was the wind or creature that stood before him.

He stared into the glittering multitude that the creature’s eyes had become.

Words clawed at his throat, threatening to escape. His mind had became still, numbed by the creature.

The creature floated, causing a soft flutter of desire to electrify the air.

Suddenly, all to quickly, it touched him and burnt him to the core.

He was enchanted.
He was helpless.

Then the creature replied, her almost translucent hair cascading into patterned waves; drowning him into her hold.

“No, I do not love you. I could never love you like that but I still want to be friends.”

Then he shattered into oblivion.
Alone again.

Light from Lita
See you soon